The hardest part of letting someone go is knowing that you'd do anything to have them stay. The hardest part of letting someone stay is knowing that the relationship will die if they don't go. But it ends if they do, too.
All fights aside, the biggest issue I face is the one that resides inside of me. Everyday, we wake up not knowing if today will be full of laughter or screams, whether it will be a day of contentment or a day of regret. It's as if a ghost of a mischievous child continuously flips a switch that determines our moods, and no amount of effort or begging can stop him.
How do I control my emotions? How is it, that when he's at work, I'm perfectly at peace preparing for valentine's day, blowing up 40 balloons of pink and red, and painstakingly threading them together to decorate the stairwell, but as soon as he is home, as soon as he sits down on the recliner next to me, I'm beyond furious. You might as what triggered my anger. I'll tell you. Nothing.
Over the past few weeks we've both exhibited a large amount of decreased effort. He doesn't do this, I don't do that. But the specific reasons don't matter. We've developed horrible habits that we both hate, and every fight results in us placing blame on each other. I want to say that I'm the bigger person and I try to blame us both equally, but that would be far from the truth. The truth is, I don't think he's the same man I met. He's not the man I agreed to go out with. He's not the responsible man that promised me all these things. He's turned into the man that spends money on real flowers when I tell him to make me fake bouquets that are less maintenence and cheaper. He's the man that bought an iron because there hasn't been a single time that he's remembered to get his clothes out of the dryer. He's the man that claims to be trying, but nothing has changed. He's the man who hasn't made good on any promise, big or small.
So why don't I leave him? Because I'm stupid and I stupidly believe in a thing called love.
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