It's Been a While Dear Enemy of Mine

There's a kind of hustle and bustle on a University school campus. Everyone is busy, talking to friends in between classes, skateboarding to their next destination, sporting a not-so-stylish Dining shirt, or scanning the HUB for the shortest line so they can cram whatever sustenance into their bodies before the next meeting.

I get busy too. I got up at 6 this morning to print out stuff for classes, slides and notes, and even did some yoga and basic step exercises. I watched Eureka with breakfast (I love pumpkin flavored anything) and reconnected with a friend I had neglected for a while. All that before 9am! I felt like superwoman, not even the sky was my limit, and in the comfort of my own home and baggy sweats, I'd say it was a swell start to my day.

Lately though, I've been battling this feeling of overwhelming doom. That may sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you, it's doom that I feel welling up in the pit of my stomach. I have all these great plans for my day; much like going to class, doing my paper, kicking ass at work and basically being awesome; then I find myself sitting somewhere, surrounded by notes, laptop out, and doing nothing. Do you ever wonder how cats can just sit there and stare? I don't, because that's what happens to me. It doesn't matter what it is, whether it be a grease speck on a counter or the stain on the carpet of the library or the automatic doors opening and closing as people walk into the HUB. I just stare off into space. I get lost in a world of hustle and bustle and although I planned to join them, I feel like such an outsider. I remember that my friends don't put in effort to hang out with me, that his friends misjudge me, that he doesn't seem to care, that my mom thinks I'll fail. I wonder what it's like to enjoy a Wednesday nooner with friends, I just kinda tag along with a group that acts like they have better things to do than talk to me. I wonder what it's like to get ready with all my girlfriends for a party we were all invited to, to drive home buzzed craving the nearest McDonald's.

And all these thoughts bring me down, into this eerie rabbit hole. And I don't know which way is up and I don't know what to do first. Sometimes I fight these thoughts and push them back just enough for me to do my work, and focus on class. Other times, I stare. And the thoughts consume me and I just can't continue. All I want to do is go home and sleep, curl up in bed and let my heart and mind battle it out without my conscious mediating. Everything seems impossible or too hard and I just can't bring myself to get anything done.

Sometimes I do laundry. I guess that's a start.